The work world and the soul (your soul)
To my children and anyone who will listen. I see you now, flirting with the adult world, considering what to do to put food on the table and perhaps some grog. Fret not, at least not too much. Fear never leads to anything good except not getting hit by a bus and even that is more instinct and adrenalin vs. fear which will have you freeze in your tracks and become flat.
I remember stressing so much about what I would do "with my life". What I would do to make money. I wanted to be great at something. I didn't care about money per say, but in my mind there was either selling out to make money or being a homeless poet, there was nothing in between. Fortunately, my entire life has been something in between.
When people would ask what are you going to do, I'd get really uncomfortable as I had no idea. I was studying English so the natural thing was to become a teacher, hey and you get the summers off. Everyone said I'd be great at it. But the further I got in the program the less I felt good about it. I did observations in grade schools and high schools and while I liked the students, I didn't see teachers that I wanted to emulate. I didn't know how to teach and my teaching program wasn't teaching us how to teach. I thought I had to know everything to teach and I felt like I knew next to nothing. I realize now that it's not about knowing, it's about leading and facilitating and we all know more than we think. It's about confidence or faking it till you make it. I expected that I had to be the Michael Jordan of teaching and I panicked and quit right before my student teaching. I took what was there waiting for me, management at Walgreens.
The corporate story of health benefits and a 401k and maybe making $100,000 per year as a store manager welcomed me. The truth was that retail is brutal, especially in Fresno, CA. I was hit, yelled at, threatened daily, escaping from Samoan drug dealers only after the store's security guard called his Hmong gang friends to escort me home. I was making $10 or $11 per hour, less as I was "management" and exempt from an hourly wage. The $100,000 which I hoped would buy me some respite from life, some insulation from suffering was a long way off. Even further away was retirement and that 401k which I thought would bring me some security. And fortunately, at 23, I didn't yet have much use for health insurance. But I did get a snazzy blue smock.
So now I see my kids and step kids graduating high school and college and already working. My advice, be happy. Yes, you have to make money to eat and thrive and the other side of the equation is limiting your obligations. If you can maintain good health, stay single and avoid having kids, you need a lot less. Now, I want some grandkids and I can wait. And I think you can find work you love or at least like most of the time and make money. I'm doing it, but my 23 year-old self couldn't imagine it. It was either or, either poor poet barista or soulless wolf of wall street. Turns out, there's plenty in between.
Stay curious, keep learning, follow your heart. Explore options and pathways while your obligations are minimal. Work hard in whatever you do, it matters, people notice and opportunity abounds when you pay attention and expel effort. I couldn't see the path my work life has taken at 18 or 23, really not even at 30, in fact it was still evolving at 40, even 52. And now I talk about retirement, but I know there will still be a few more stops along the way and I'll have more and more say about what those stops are. I'm becoming less willing to put up with shit and I've put myself in a place to afford myself this attitude.
Whatever you are doing, even if you know you won't be there long, say to yourself I choose this. Do your best, learn what you can. Don't be afraid to leave a shitty job or situation and don't run at the first discomfort. Keep looking for clarity as to "what you want to do" and for me it didn't start to clarify until about 40. Even then I felt like I was making it up, faking it. We all are. Have fun, believe in yourself.
If you find yourself dreading a job, you probably won't be there long. Don't quit a job till you have a job, unless it's unsafe or toxic. Follow your heart, pay attention, do your part and your work life and your soul will align. Of course on some deeper level, both are illusions and we don't get long with either.
~ Conan Malone (pops)
