Midlife Crisis... how mundane is that?

My therapist says I'm vanishing. I wonder is that good or bad... my twenty year high school reunion is at hand. I'm looking forward to seeing people I was not ready to see at ten years. The reunion web site lists in memory my classmates who died in car crashes, drown or whose lungs locked up. I recognize their faces, knew one guy fairly well in high school, but somehow their faces and their deaths haunt me. Certainly others I went to school with have died along with many others much closer to me - my father, uncles, aunts, grandparents, friends.

I'm scared of dying if I'm honest, more scared now that I'm wagering there is no Next... sad there may be nothing next especially now that I have kids. This should make every day, every moment more precious without the distraction of the promise of heavenly blissful, postponement, punishment or reward, right?

I'm feeling less flexible every day, at least physically. I'm putting my head down and working hard knowing it is what it is... I can tell myself it matters and I actually think it does, but what matters more than being with my own kids and the people I love? Rather I spend my energy with others trying to make money to pay the rent, buy bread and maybe a vacation every few years.

I'm not going to buy a stupid phallic sports car or sleep with someone else bored with themselves, but feeling embarrassingly, predictably in the middle of a midlife crisis. I think I've always been in a midlife crisis, but finally approaching midlife.

This is my house (rented), this is my beautiful wife and I'm thankful for both and all that is my rented, borrowed life. Wishing to be more at ease with it all, more prone to laughter, spontaneous song and dance, less drink, more connecting, more conversation, then no conversation, quiet, peppermint tea, a book, the idea of a book, I always fall asleep when reading, but I love the idea of a book, a walk in the misty cool of this early September eve, Summer having already begun to slip as it does every year, giving up the nights first and somewhere betwixt this season and between the next, somewhere between my ribs, betwixt the sky lies the ease I search for, not the easy way out, but the graceful way in, the way into life, this life, my life.
For now, embarrassingly predictable, mundane midlife crisis at hand, complete with all the drama of hallmark made for t.v. after school special. 4 in hand, hole in heart.

Be well. Laugh more. Smile. Enjoy. (as usual, much needed advice to myself)