One Night in Bangkok, Every Night (Yeti Friend)

Forgive me father, it has been six months since my last blog.

The snow falls in Denver, sixty degrees in Chicago,
after more than a month of well below 30, well below 20,
often below 10, days below zero, but today, I'm in CO
and it is momentarily colder than Chicago.

The economy is collapsing, at least shrinking,
my belly growing, or at least holding steady,
bigger than I like, my children are growing too fast,
for me, too slow for them, maybe, maybe just right for both of us.

I miss them tonight, I'm not chasing immortality, I'm not chasing fame, I'm trying to pay for their education, food, clothes and to secure their happiness, trying to align or find my own happiness with the work I do, cuz I do a lot of work, more time than I spend with them, it's a classic catch 22, I work to support, I support because I love and I brought them into this mess or dance (depending on the day - my day), and I spend less time with them.

This is not new, this is age old, but my subtle sinking into this position is strangely ok. I'm not disappointed in myself, I'm not overly proud, I'm not disgusted like I used to be with people like me. I do want more joy.

More joy when home, more joy when at work. No matter what, if anything happens next, my time as this person, as this father and husband is limited and love is no less real than god, no less real than my back pain, no less real than more trivial things I concern myself with, yet it is not either or, it is not either cave of meditation with yeti, yak, snow lions my hermitage friends, or
one night in Bangkok every night drowning out the silence and loneliness with prostitute, temporary friends, noodles and beer (though I swear I've never been).

It's not natty beard, ashram, vegan sex or Wall Street, drycleaned, steam pressed ROI on a soul capriciously spent.

It is not either this or that, it is always both, it is always the betwixt the between the interbeing. My life moves back and forth trying to find balance between suits and ties and tattoos, gods, animism, cynicism, after life, belief, disbelief and rest.

My heart beats irregularly, I'm happy to be alive, a privilege to contemplate even if inane.

Peace, good night, Conan