November 4, 2004 five fifteen a.m.

Meet Me in Montauk (Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind)

lucid day dreams or dejavu
memories of you fading,
evaporating, dissipating
and no one can save them…

“blessed are the forgetful for they get the better even of their blunders”

but blunders haunt beyond the specific
smell and look of a gray winter day
forever locked in pain, the sadness
lingers the ache meanders
through grey matter even when the “blessing”
of forgetfulness erases the exact root of the ache
and thus the forgetful end up cursed
not able to search the wounded waters
of regret and hurt to find the part of themselves
that was once whole, spotless? spotted?

nearly extinct elephants in New York before Madison Square Garden
the circus absurd in the city, the city a circus absurd on a snowy beach Long Island
on a gray winter day slipping into darker gray, light snow blowing
sand sleeping below, sand “over rated just being really small rocks”

flashlight photography glimpses of the events that led to this
captured on degradable film, that led to this latest
attempt at escape
only to discover what we discover last, time and time again
that the way out is the way back in
only to discover what we discovered last time, time and time again

hidden from the mind is a familiar secret
not rememberable until dead;
that when given the choice
we chose to do it all over again
we chose against the eternal sunshine
of a spotless mind

Beck’s voice haunts the surf hazy night
back in gray winter, the snowy beach of my memory
as I search for my father’s hand outstretched
from whence I came and from where
I shall return only to pause,
reflect, reform and return
to struggle to ache to yearn
too often missing the moment; forever to be enjoyed